I was debating on either getting on here and ranting about my DH-the d isn’t standing for darling today-and how everything just feels so out of kilter right now or writing him a letter & telling him how I feel. Then I thought why bother, he won’t read it anyway. If it doesn’t have to do with motors or chrome accessories, he forgets how to read. Playing games on his stupid phone is more important than me, anyway.
I have tried to flat out tell him what I want. Since I don’t speak disealese or video gameish, he’s not getting it. Maybe if I chrome plate my boobs and install a game app on my fluffin forehead, I can get his attention. Added to the fact that he’s spent more time with the staff at a PA Subway in the last week than with me & I am just angry. I know that’s part is not his fault but dammit all to hell, it sux.
And the out of kilter feeling is sorta his fault. June 26th I would have told you I was a very happily content & secure wife. I use to laugh at the idea that DH would even talk to another woman, let alone anything else. June 27th the sit hit the flan & it all changed.
He didn’t cheat…exactly. He had the equivalent of an emotional one-night stand. It lasted 6 days and this woman got more electronic attention than I did in 2 months combined. Even though he says it would have never progressed, I think it could have been more if I hadn’t found out. He has a couple of female friends he talks to that I don’t care about, but he purposely hid this womans existence from me then claims it wasn’t on purpose. To me, if it was subconsciously that he turned to her and hid it then his reassurances that he loves me and everything is fine between us mean nothing because he could subconsciously be dissatisfied.
So I took a long hard look at me & our marriage. Wasn’t happy with what I saw in myself AT ALL! And what I would have describe as comfortable became stagnant and secure became indifferent. I went looking for ways to improve myself and spice up our marriage. One google lead to another and I found domestic discipline.
The googles that got me here are a reflection of self-analysis. In that, I realized how submissive I really am by nature- although being a woman in todays society overshadows that at times. As someone blogged the other day, I have the submissive gene. Truth be told, I have some masochistic tendencies that I can trace back to childhood-really being interested stuff my family would have flipped out about me seeing. I always imagined myself as the person being used and abused, rather than the aggressor. However, not being much into actual pain, I never acted on any of those feelings. Still not into pain, so that can stay in fantasy land. Things that are okay for some become unhealthy for others. I am educated enough to be able to pinpoint many of the psychological reasons I do a lot of things and stable enough to know which boundaries I can manipulate in a healthy manner.
Ahh, but I digress. Finding out about ‘her’ has sent me into a tailspin. She doesn’t actually matter. Fact is, it’s me. I am having trouble dealing with the sudden shift in my own perception of our relationship. I over-react. I get emotional. I am acting totally out of character. And he is having to deal with this angry, hysterical woman attempting to fix a relationship he sees as not broken. The point of this post was supposed to be that my DH is being a d— head, and now I’ve vented to the point that I realize it’s my fault. Someone remind me why I want to change. Oh, yeah. My God-appointed role as a wife.
HELLS BELLS! I don’t wanna be wrong, AGAIN! I use to never be wrong. I am a virgo. We are perfect (and submissive-ha!). We have faults but we realize and admit them so they don’t count! Right now I’m thankful we are still in the discussion phase. And I’m thinking clean slate spanking may not such a great idea. In my best interest yes, but not my butts!