Searching for Me

August 13, 2011

Time flies.

Filed under: marriage,relationships — by Maci Mae @ 2:33 AM
Tags: , ,

 Time flies when you’re surrounded by drama. It’s been a whole week since I posted anything but I have been busier than a one-legged man in an  ass-kickin’ contest.  Lots of stress, which I usually avoid like the plague, but have been unable to dodge this time.  I won’t go into detail just now, but I would appreciate it if my Christian friends would pray for JC to be completely healed.  A miracle would be real nice right about now.

DH has been home more than usual which is nice, but I think  it added as much stress as it alleviated lately. It all came to a head  Wed. night when he came home unexpectedly and I ended up throwing a temper tantrum. I even got in the car at 11pm and left the house. I go more than a year with no problems & then have three fits in two months. I wanted attention and instead of being an adult and speaking up I acted out. I could give some good reasons, but there is no excuse. Now I feel like an idiot.

Actually, I tried to speak up, but I did it sort of half-way. I told DH that I was so numb that Ms. Cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat here couldn’t even tear up.  And he was trying to treat me with kid-gloves so he was giving me space I didn’t want or need. Finally, when the tantrum was over,  we made love, and in the middle of it I busted into tears for the first time in over a week. Scared HD because he thought he was hurting me. All that emotion just poured out.

He’s asking more DD questions, still trying to wrap his head around “hurting” me. We are talking a lot more than we did.  He did get very authoritative and tell me that I am not to call him names when I’m mad anymore & that when we start, this tantrum would be dealt with.  Guess he has the clean slate concept down. Yay….I think.

August 4, 2011

Another Step

Filed under: marriage — by Maci Mae @ 2:18 PM
Tags: , ,

Awesome day! I’m sooo flippin’ happy I don’t know where to start!

I am very glad I decided to be productive yesterday. Last night I get a three hr warning call that DH is coming home. Panic!!! House isn’t done. I look like crap & probably smell like some facsimile. I busted my ass and got the house straight. (I have ADD and OCD sometimes so I’ll be cleaning three rooms at the same time, & taking crap apart to clean it. THAT’S WHY I never get anything finished.) I had a little time so I jumped in the shower, washed my everything, shaved my legs, got out and dress, and slapped some polish on my tootsies as he was calling me to meet him.

We got back to the house & I feed him. By the time he relaxed, shaved & showered, & we got to bed it was after 1am. I got into bed expecting a quick kiss because he had to get up & leave right back out this AM. Well,  surrr-prize, surrr-prize, surrr-prize!  yee-HAW!

At 4am, as I’m laying on my back trying to catch my breath, (8 second cowboys are such a myth) he asks ‘So… is that the kind of spanking you want?’ Uhmmm, No. Mind you, it was MIND BLOWINGLY WONDERFUL, but talk about incentive to be bad!! If that’s what I get for not taking my vitimins, I’m going to throw them away!

I said that I wanted those, but what I’m looking for is help with behavior modification. I told him he actually has to spank me to tears. The look on his face was like I told him he had to shoot me. He said that he’d have tears before he even started. I said that I was sort of expecting that. I know it will hurt him too. He was thinking really hard. I told him to go to sleep and we’d talk this weekend. This morning after I gave him a ‘happy beginning’ , it was hard for him to leave but I sent him off to work with a smile on both our faces telling him he needed to go to work and rest up. lol

He’s listening, trying. That he doesn’t already understand the whole concept is my fault. I’ve given him such bits and pieces of hints & info. This weekend he gets the whole thing presented to him… verbally with handouts! I know he’s man enough to handle it. Convincing my gentleman will be the hard part.

And forward we march.

August 3, 2011

Blah blah blah

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 6:06 PM
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I can’t make this long because I am just on a break.  Notice DD isn’t a tag on this one cuz I’m just rambling to ramble.

Tues. I read a story called  Lazy Girls Get Spanked & then HD asked me what I had gotten accomplished that day, so I decided it was in my best interest to get something done today. I went to the store, then got a phone call on the way, so I made what was supposed to be a 15 minute stop to point someone in the right direction. It turned into a two-hour consultation. That could have been shopping money if I had charged! I did my good deed for the day, anyway.

When I came home I scrubbed the kitchen floor-naked and on my knees! I made sure to call HD and tell him. He still hasn’t stepped on board with the whole dd thing, but my man has shown he isn’t as vanilla as I thought. He has a little kink in him! Yay me!

As previously posted, I told him I wanted to talk this wkend. One of the things I said was that I wanted to go over the stuff I printed out for him on DD because I really don’t think he gets how serious I am. I know he has been having equipment trouble & has had no time to research anything, but he got a little stern when he asked about what I had done & also about me taking my meds (don’t say that explains it! they’re not psych meds!!) I don’t take them most of the time because I just don’t do pills well. If I ever became diabetic or had a problem that depends on me taking pills, I’d probably just die. That’s funny because practically every other person I know in the medical field is on 2 or 3 prescriptions.

Okay so dd was mentioned in this post. I still won’t tag it cuz I said I wouldn’t and I don’t have time to edit! UNT, have a good one.

 

 

August 2, 2011

I love my husband.

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 12:07 AM

I love my husband. (Major mood swing from yesterday! Yay!) Sometimes I wonder how we could ever be closer or more in love and then later I look back & feel closer & more in love than I did then. He really is an amazing man. He is basically always in pain (back injury) but you’d never know it the way he works so hard. He is the hardest working, most giving person I know. He does suffer from testosterone overload-such a man-but that’s a plus most of the time.

He told me I have to tell him what I need if I’m not getting it. All that testosterone makes it hard to pick up subtle hints, I guess, so I let him know. I sent him an e-mail & told him that I want to wrap up in his arms, focus all of our attention just on each other for once, & have a long talk when he comes home.

As I said earlier, I don’t talk easily, but he can get me to let down part of my defenses and let my feelings go sometimes. I really do want to tell him everything I think & feel. I will probably write it all down, sort it all out, & read it several times so I know what I want to say. It works out well, but it also keeps me from just pouring out raw feelings which would probably be beneficial. Scary, but beneficial.

Consciously I know if there is one person in the world who will accept me no matter what I say, do, or think, it’s him. Subconsciously, I must not believe that because something is holding me back. I don’t expect it, but reading other blogs has me wondering if I will somehow be able to get past that two or three years down the road. A crystal ball would be nice right about now.

August 1, 2011

AND..a handgun!

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 1:53 AM

So DH & I had a long talk after my post yesterday. I confuse him as much as I confuse myself sometimes. He’s trying to figure out why all this attitude came out of ‘nowhere’. He’s such a man.

In his defense (sort of) emotional affair isn’t really the right term. That’s more of my over reaction. She is his sister-in-law’s ex-sister-in-law. They talked about when they all ran around together right out of high school, his job, and even about how I am so wonderful compared to his 1st wife. It wasn’t sexual or really personal but she is divorcing for the 3rd time and he is the most naive man in the world when it comes to women. They flirt with him, & it goes right over his head.

The problem is him not telling me. If he had, he could still be talking to her for all I care. The way I see it, if he didn’t tell me, there was a reason even if he doesn’t know it. That’s why I say an emotional affair. There wasn’t an actual deep emotional connection there. She listened & it stroked his ego. To be honest that’s one of the things I realized when I took that look at my marriage. He was talking-telling me EVERYTHING – whether I was interested or not – & I was tuning him out. If you feel like you aren’t being listened to, I suppose you crave the attention she was giving.

Anyway, he offered to delete the games off his phone. I said no. I need to work through my feelings instead of him ‘fixing’ it. He offered to get another job so he can be home every night. I said no. Again with the fixing. And he didn’t read any of the emails I sent because his email wasn’t set up on his new phone & I went in & deleted them. My bad.  He always says, quote “You can divorce me but I’m staying with you. You’re stuck with me, Girly. ” and I know he means it, but not in a creepy violent stalkery kind of way.

He even offered to go to marriage counseling. Haw! Fat chance. I can see me texting the marriage councilor from across the room. He has no problem talking to me. (It’s weird that every man I ever had a relationship with wanted to talk about feelings. Every womans dream except mine.) I don’t talk. I’ve never been able to audibly verbalize my feelings. I hold it in until it explodes out of me & even then I don’t totally let it out. I can usually express myself on paper, I guess that because I can see it & edit it I feel safer.

So to the wonderful women who advised me to talk, talk, talk, I promise effort, but not success, at least not for a while. And DH, if you’re reading this, I just looked at my ankles & just figured out why it exploded this time…I’m 2 days late. PMS ….any questions?

July 31, 2011

Remembering Why

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 3:47 PM

I was debating on either getting on here and ranting about my DH-the d isn’t standing for darling today-and how everything just feels so out of kilter right now or writing him a letter & telling him how I feel. Then I thought why bother, he won’t read it anyway. If it doesn’t have to do with motors or chrome accessories, he forgets how to read. Playing games on his stupid phone is more important than me, anyway.

I have tried to flat out tell him what I want. Since I don’t speak disealese or video gameish, he’s not getting it. Maybe if I chrome plate my boobs and install a game app on my fluffin forehead, I can get his attention. Added to the fact that he’s spent more time with the staff at a PA Subway in the last week than with me & I am just angry. I know that’s part is not his fault but dammit all to hell, it sux.

And the out of kilter feeling is sorta his fault. June 26th I would have told you I was a very happily content & secure wife. I use to laugh at the idea that DH would even talk to another woman, let alone anything else.  June 27th the sit hit the flan & it all changed.

He didn’t cheat…exactly. He had the equivalent of an emotional one-night stand. It lasted 6 days and this woman got more electronic attention than I did in 2 months combined. Even though he says it would have never progressed, I think it could have been more if I hadn’t found out. He has a couple of female friends he talks to that I don’t care about, but he purposely hid this womans existence from me then claims it wasn’t on purpose. To me, if it was subconsciously that he turned to her and hid it then his reassurances that he loves me and everything is fine between us mean nothing because he could subconsciously be dissatisfied.

So I took a long hard look at me & our marriage. Wasn’t happy with what I saw in myself AT ALL! And what I would have describe as comfortable became stagnant and secure became indifferent. I went looking for ways to improve myself and spice up our marriage. One google lead to another and I found domestic discipline.

The googles that got me here are a reflection of self-analysis. In that, I realized how submissive I really am by nature- although being a woman in todays society overshadows that at times. As someone blogged the other day, I have the submissive gene. Truth be told, I have some masochistic tendencies that I can trace back to childhood-really being interested stuff my family would have flipped out about me seeing. I always imagined myself as the person being used and abused, rather than the aggressor. However, not being much into actual pain, I never acted on any of those feelings. Still not into pain, so that can stay in fantasy land. Things that are okay for some become unhealthy for others. I am educated enough to be able to pinpoint many of the psychological reasons I do a lot of things and stable enough to know which boundaries I can manipulate in a healthy manner.

Ahh, but I digress. Finding out about ‘her’ has sent me into a tailspin. She doesn’t actually matter. Fact is, it’s me. I am having trouble dealing with the sudden shift in my own perception of our relationship. I over-react. I get emotional. I am acting totally out of character. And he is having to deal with this angry, hysterical woman attempting to fix a relationship he sees as not broken. The point of this post was supposed to be that my DH is being a d— head, and now I’ve vented to the point that I realize it’s my fault. Someone remind me why I want to change. Oh, yeah. My God-appointed role as a wife.

HELLS BELLS! I don’t wanna be wrong, AGAIN! I use to never be wrong.  I am a virgo. We are perfect (and submissive-ha!). We have faults but we realize and admit them so they don’t count! Right now I’m thankful we are still in the discussion phase. And I’m thinking clean slate spanking may not such a great idea. In my best interest yes, but not my butts!

July 30, 2011

Dang!

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 11:55 PM
Tags: , , ,

Where to start?  I accomplished bupkis today, except some stress relief ala bob (battery operated boyfriend,)- thank you Duracell – then some awesome phone sex with HD . That’s something (big grin). Only the 2nd time in eleven years. My sex drive has always been in over-drive, but in that area I do have some self-control…. usually. Lately, my throttle has been stuck.

When HD & I had been married just a couple of years we interviewed with a social worker.  The she was an obviously man-hating lesbian (some of my best friends & a couple of my ex’s are lesbian so don’t read into that). In my interview I was asked ‘What about your sex life?’ I was surprised by the question but assumed they were asking if we were pedophiles or something. I said, ‘It’s normal.’ meaning 1 man, 1 woman, no props, no spectators. Ya’ll know! Borrr-ing lol jk. She said “How often?” HD was home every night, we were still young, healthy, newly married and madly in love, and I said “three to five times a week.” HD answered every night which was closer to the truth, but thank goodness I didn’t say that. She acted like I said three to five times a day.  She squealed “That’s not normal! Twice a week is average!” Okay, for there to be an average, someone has to do it more and someone has to do it less. I’m thinking she was less, and probably on a schedule. My best friend delighted in telling people she & her boy-toy were working on raising the average. lol And someone bought me a sign, still hanging in my house, that says ‘Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer’. The good news here is, after 11 years, with HD only being home a day and a half each week, we are still hitting that average mark. I think I’ll call my bestie & brag!!!

Well, I probably deserve a spanking now. Okay, no probably about it. After sleeping 8 hours then taking a long nap, HD specifically told me he was going to get up & apparently he went back to sleep. He never called & didn’t answer his phone. I was worried enough that I hunted down the number & had some poor staff member go beat on his door.  And his response to my worry started out ‘Did you ever think….’ so I went off.  He asked me if he pissed me off. Gee, ya think?  I called him a part of his anatomy.  Does that fall under disrespect? Or attitude? Whatever, the worry was justified and the anger at his response was understandable, I hope, but the name calling & subsequent language wasn’t. Dang! I commend all the well-behaved women out there. Behaving is harder than it looks.

July 29, 2011

‘Hell yeah’!

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 7:33 PM
Tags: ,

Well, he took time to read a bit of this & says he will check in sporadically to see how I feel & what I think. He was supposed to be home Sun. but the company in PA postponed until Monday so he may not be home until next weekend. But we are making progress. Can I get a ‘Hell yeah’!?

I’ve been getting ready for our talk. Trying to wrap my head around my own feelings & finding other people’s words to use to explain the whole thing. I am trying not to have some romantic idea about how great it’ll be. I am under no delusions that it’ll be easy and we’ll just fall into it like it’s always been this way.

I expect awkwardness & frustration on both our parts. I expect bruising & plan to over-prepare him for that, so that he doesn’t flip out & quit right away. I hope he agrees to a practice run, although I’m not sure if it should be while we are fooling around or not. I still haven’t figured out how sexual I want it to be for us, so that when we do discuss it, I’ll have a starting ground to work from. I know that just because I want it a certain way doesn’t mean he’ll agree & even if we both agree it should be ____way, doesn’t mean that way will work best for us.

Soooo, anybody got any “I wish someone would have told me…”  or ‘It took us a while to learn…’ kind of tips? I am all ears. Make that eyes, since I will be reading instead of hearing. Ya’ll know what I mean.

hugz,

Maci

East bound and down

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 2:34 AM

2am and I just got off the phone after talking about an hr & 1/2 with DH. We chit chatted and then THE subject came up. He is trying to understand but said he doesnt get when he should & worries about how hard to do it & listed a couple of S&M things he just flat refuses to try which is more than okay with me…choke me & I can’t promise you will have vision in both eyes by the time we’re done. Most people would grab at the hands around their throats, but not me. I got a thumb for your eyeball!

Anyway, I told him about the folder & how I chickened out about giving it to him. He was a little upset about me not being able to just open up about anything. AND I told him about this blog, which means as soon as I finish this entry I’m going to send a link to his e-mail….and then forget that he’s reading it.

When he comes in, the yard & all that other stuff can go on the back burner so he and I can sit down together and read some things and discuss where we go from here.  I know this is what I want, and I’ve been careful to try not to romanticize it in my head, but it’s hard not to be excited and even a little turned on.

We’ve got a long why to go and a short time to get there, I’m east bound just watch my bum burn.

July 28, 2011

Huh?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Maci Mae @ 11:58 PM

I am soooo confused! A decade ago my attitude was “Go ahead, hit me. I have a handgun & an alibi ready.” A couple of months ago, a few swats from DH would have been okay as long as he was playing, but I was never into pain and I sure wasn’t going to be treated “like a child”. Now I’m trying to figure out a way to convince DH to beat my butt & lecture me like a red-headed step-child. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense that the same girl who hated being spanked so much as a kid now wants it. WTH???

So I read all these blogs and articles looking for answers, for clarity. They confuse me even more. I understand that it’s different for every couple, but figuring out what I want and what my own boundaries are is very confusing. One reason I need DH to take control is because of my indecisiveness in the first place.

Of course, if I can’t even figure out how to tell him I want something, it doesn’t really matter what it is I want, huh?

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